Deez Nutz!!!

27 May 2005:

R2-D2: Tweet tweet, beep boo boop boo boop!

C-3P0: Yes, I did see the new Star Wars movie, Artoo.

R2-D2: Tweet bee boo boop boo boop!

C-3P0: No, they didn't give me a penis in this one either!

R2-D2: Bee twee boo boo beep!

C-3P0: Oh, you have a joke, Artoo?

R2-D2: Boop bee tweet boo bee!

C-3P0: I give up. What IS the hardest thing to find in the universe?

R2-D2: Beep boo boop boo bee!

C-3P0: Mark Hamill's career? Oh, Artoo!

R2-D2: Bee, beep tweet boop bee!

C-3P0: Yes, Darth Vader's helmet DOES look very shiny today.

R2-D2: Beep boo boop boo beep!

C-3P0: No, it's NOT because Princess Leia buffed his helmet!

R2-D2: Tweet twee beep boo boo beep!

C-3P0: You just saw Princess Leia naked in the shower!

R2-D2: Bee tweet bee boop twee boot beep!

C-3P0: She does NOT look like she has a wookiee in a leg lock!

R2-D2: Twee bee boo boop bee boo boop!

C-3P0: Artoo, Yoda is a Jedi Master. Don't refer to him as "that green scrotum with

ears"!

Weeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee...

It seems like every time I come home there's someone in my new neighbor's yard doing the landscaping. The fact that they actually PAY someone to do the landscaping for a half-acre piece of property is bad enough, but do they really need leafblowers and riding lawnmowers to take care of it. And every single day?! Watching the landscapers trying to unload that mower from their truck in that tiny plot of land is like watching five NBA All-Stars trying to switch seats in a Volkswagen Jetta.

And of course, there's the gravel bed driveway. Ahhhhhhh... the gravel bed driveway. The mark of true New England landscaping genius. The ultimate triumph of shortsightedness and money over practicality. Yes, they're nice to look at. And yes, I'm sure they're nice to have in Orange County, California. But not in New England. Why? Have you ever tried to plow a gravel bed driveway in the winter? Or even snowblow or shovel it? I wonder how many of these people who insisted on having a gravel bed driveway for their New England homes and are too rich to clear it themselves have themselves wondered why their driveway turns into a sheet of ice after it's been plowed, snowblowed, or shoveled. Silly, silly people.

A young Australian girl was convicted in Indonesia for trafficking 9 lbs of marijuana and sentenced to 20 years in prison. Not that I'm opposed to punishing drug traffickers, but I feel that the sentence should reflect the crime. Traffickers are a far lesser evil than the suppliers and shouldn't be sentenced to 20 years in prison. And even that sentence was an act of mercy considering that the punishment on the books in Indonesia is the death penalty. Death for trafficking weed? Treason? Maybe. Weed? No. Also consider that the very same court sentenced a Muslim cleric convicted for involvement in the Bali bombing that killed 202 people to 30 months in prison. I guess Indonesia leads the way in "The War on Drugs" but straggles in "The War on Terror". I suppose they feel that little girls trafficking weed is more of a threat to their society than your average terrorist.

I guess those Israeli soldiers REALLY like to watch soccer. But that's the kind of discipline you can expect from a military force drafted from the fanatic population of a religious state. I don't really see what the uproar is all about? Their presence in the West Bank is illegal whether they're breaking into the homes of non-combatants to watch soccer or not.

I've got so many bandages on my hand that it looks like I've been in a knife fight!

I'm glad that the thunderstorm held off until I finished with work!

"Jolly good show, Major!"

"I'm sorry, Sir! I thought you were an enemy!"

"Well, I'm an American if that's what you mean."

What a wookiee...

04 May 2005:

Or Maybe is!

Examinations are finished and went even better than expected. My mission is complete. Let the vacation begin! Hello? Anybody? Oh, you're all still in school or still have finals? Damn.

I bought the new Nine Inch Nails and Star Wars albums today on my way back. Talk about mad notes! The DVD that came with the Revenge album is chock full of selected pieces from the sexology (Heheh... that sounds dirty if you say it out loud!) set to scenes from the films.

AirForceHockey13 (9:14:26 PM): you freakin' loser

AirForceHockey13 (9:14:41 PM): granted your buddy icon is pretty sweet

AirForceHockey13 (9:14:50 PM): but still.... star wars soundtrack... i dunno

I guess this would be a good time to talk about how I ran 2.25 miles this morning on a whim and ran the first mile and a half in ten minutes and still had enough steam left to finish another 3/4 of a mile. That's right, I ran the first mile and a half in ten minutes. Yup, I ran the first mile and a half in ten minutes. Did I mention that I ran the first mile and a half in ten minutes? Not bad for a Star Wars dork with a nav slot. As opposed to someone who.... I dunno... went to combat survival training and has a pilot slot? Of course, that person would surely run faster on their commissioning fitness test than a Star Wars dork would just after waking up in the morning. Unless, of course, they've been terribly ill for the past few weeks. So I'm just gonna shut up now. Or, rather, just stop typing words that relate to the subject. Yeah, anytime now I'm just gonna stop.

Four more days 'til you pin on bars! Are you psyched or what? I'm psyched and I still have to wait another year!

So, yeah, I've been up to a lot lately and haven't had much time to write about it. I'll organize it into a cohesive structure of paragraphs once I produce some productivity around these parts. Perhaps I shall construct a spool paper of sorts that details my many adventures in great detail. Or maybe I'll just through it all down in a big, incoherent pile of slaughtered English like the majority of my literal produce. Only time will tell. I don't think that I'm gonna be getting any sleep tonight!

09 May 2005:

It can be said without much debate that human beings generally prefer victory over defeat. Society, in almost every aspect, rewards its winners and punishes its losers to some degree or another. Therefore, every day, men and women struggle to attain their own personal victories at work, at school, and even at play.

But why is that?

Certainly, there is the obvious reason that success has immediate and tangible gains. It also has intangible gains as well: we feel better about ourselves and enjoy the attention that we get from others when we suceed.

But does it neccesarily follow that winners are better or stronger than losers?

A person who enjoys personal success with relative frequency has many more resources at their disposal to take on additional challenges. And even if some of those challenges prove to be too daunting, they have much more to fall back on. If that's the case, can't it be said that their strength and determination is fueled by their record of success up to this point?

Compare that with a person who meets with personal defeat time and time again throughout their lives. They know only disappointment and frustration where others know success and accomplishment. And while the rest of society may perceive these people to be losers, some do not see themselves as such. To them, failure is not the same thing as loss. They continue to strive despite the resistance that they meet. They continue to fight even though they know that they cannot possibly win. And they continue to dream foolish dreams that will never come true.

They continue.

They continue by drawing on a strength that doesn't come from trophies, applauding crowds, or the encouragement of others. They continue on nothing more than their sheer will and determination. They continue and they endure. No amount of resistance will ever break their stride. No defeat will ever crush their will to fight. And no reality will ever end their dreams. And amidst the darkness of the universe their souls continue to shine as bright and as beautiful as the stars in space, even though they can only be seen in the blackness of night.

I think that I'd prefer to be a loser.

...just not at basketball.

12 May 2005:

Litchfield, ME

Ahhhhh... there's nothing like adventures away from home to clear the mind and soul. If only every job I had could be this much like a vacation. I enjoy going to Maine and getting away from all the comparable fuss found in the more affluent parts of New England. It's something that I got from my step-father, I think. There are no distractions up here. There is just the lake and the land. And the hours of work waiting for me in the morrow. It's gonna be so very cold tonight. Who knows when the last human being stayed here?

A Honda Odyessy with a bumper sticker that read: "I'd Rather Be Flying" flew off the highway and hit a hill without slowing down and soared into the air like a magestic flying hippopotamous before slamming into the earth and falling apart like a giant, poorly assembled shoebox. It weas truely an amazing spectacle!

I like it up there. It's not quite as rustic as my grandfather's place. There's electricity, running water, and cable TV (Something that my parents still don't have in CT!). But as I sat there, listening to Styx, my mind keeps returning to the same thing over and over again. Why can't I stop obsessing about it? Why can't I stop thinking about two-inch raisinbread toast? Come sail away with me!

A roaring inferno raged in the fireplace. It took me a while to find a respectably sized piece of kinling was available in the pile. But that didn't stop me!

13 May 2005:

Litchfield, ME

Well, we are officially heroes! We started cleaning out the leaves and needles from the backyard and hauling them down the street to dump it. Sometime in the afternoon, Bob and I were hauling a load when we saw smoke billowing from the lot where we were dumping and two kids running around. The lot was engulfed in flames and these kids were trying to put out the fire with soda bottles filled with water and their own T-shirts (and one of them just drove through our backyard with a go-cart). I asked them if they had called the fire department and they told me that they didn't want to and that we should just try to put it out. I could tell right away that these kids were stoned. So Bob and I went back to the cabin and called 9-1-1.

We all went out to the site with rakes and a bucket to try to put it out since the fire trucks would take a long time to get out this far. I went into the house that one of the kids was getting water from to fill up the bucket. The place reeked of weed. The fire had spread so much by that point that dousing it in water wasn't going to do any good. So I grabbed another rake and went into the fire with Bryant and Bob to try to at least contain the thing until the trucks arrived. Meanwhile, the two stonemonkies flailed about uselessly trying to put out the fire with water.

After much raking and smoke inhalation, the fire department showed up and doused the whole lot. Apparently, these two rocket scientists made a Molotov cocktail and smashed it into the boulder in the middle of a brush pile on a windy day with no rain in almost a week. We were all pretty disgusted with the whole affair, so we went back to the cabin for lunch.

Bob tried to make burgers on the stove but ended up filling the cabin with smoke! Lisa and I took over after we aired out the kitchen. I tried my hand at my new Sammy Cheeseburger, which tasted pretty good. Bob's ended up on the floor but luckily it was salvageable. What an eventful day!

14 May 2005:

Litchfield, ME

I started the day with a mighty breakfast of deliciousness including pancakes, sausage, bacon, toast, eggs and O.J. All of the lawn work for the cabin was pretty much finished and Bob wanted to go to Freeport. However, everyone else was in a lazy mood. So I read Dune while Bob played with the fire and Bryant and Lisa napped. After that, we made s'mores and some late afternoon lunch and watched some TV. Bryant and Lisa went to bed again while I watched the series finale of Enterprise and listened to Tequila Sunrise. After that, we broke out the cards and the beer for a couple rounds of Asshole and Go Fish. We made pizzas and listened to music until it was time for bed. I think fighting the forest fire and cleaning up the place kinda wiped us out. But, I did manage to finish reading Dune finally!

15 May 2005:

Litchfield, ME

I converted back to the american cheese omellete this morning just 'cuz it was sooooooo delicious! We tidied up the cabin, packed up our stuff and the recycleables and were on our way back to CT. We stopped at the New Hampshire reststop and learned all about the wonders of the environmentally friendly recycling human waste system that they employ there. Basically, it's a giant latirne on the side of the highway. I don't think that most American motorists are quite used to such "ruggedness".

Did anything exciting happen on the way back? I'm sure something did (something always does), but I just can't seem to remember it. Maybe it involved hubcaps or a truck full of Mexicans. Or maybe both! I did hear the corporations play No Address on the radio for the first time ever.

I brought all the recyclables to Stop & Shop and saved about $10 on my groceries. It was good.

18 May 2005:

*Sigh* Fucking girls. They use me to move all their crap into storage and then takeoff to spend their summers at home in obscure states. I'm just a strong back with an SUV to them. They use me and then they leave me. Or, they stick around and continue to use me!

I'm just kidding.

Star Wars tonight at 12:01!!! I'll be there with the rest of the hardcore fans and with those who really aren't fans but got suckered into going anyway. Mua-ha-ha!

Baseball this weekend, anyone?

P.S.:

John may be "The Ultimate Halo Player", but he's also a soursport and a bad winner. He also dates his cousin and rapes little babies of both genders. When he was twelve, he made out with a St. Bernard. When he was thirteen, he had sex with a goldfish. And when he was fourteen... Christ, you don't even wanna know.

Personally, I liked the alternate ending to Remember the Titans better. The one where all the kids got drafted and sent to Vietnam. Coach Boone, who was an excellent football coach, proved less adept as a platoon commander. One day Ray, the alienated follower, returned from reconnaissance and fragged the entire group. As he pumped round after round of ammunition into his former teammates, he began to sing, "Na na na na, na na na na. heyyyyyyyy, goodbye!"

19 May 2005:

I went to see Star Wars last night with Liz & Christine. Friggin awesome. The wait was well worth it. I got to talk to some guy studying aerospace engineering at Embry-Riddle and a guy with a 12-pack box on his head with eyeholes cut into it. He challenged the theater employee dressed as Vader and collecting money for childrens' cancer research calling him, "Imposter!" But the best was when the guy in the Vader costume snuck up behind a guy coming out of his truck and scared the shit out of him. Actually, no, the best was the guy wearing brown bedsheets like some sort of Jedi robe who was so messed up that he passed out in the aisle in the front of the theater halfway through the movie. The friggin cop had to come in and help him to his feet, encouraging him to walk saying, "Come on. Left foot. Right foot. You can do it."

To which I added, "Yeah! Use the Force, Luke!" I got a round of applause from the entire theater for that one. Even the cop was laughing. Nothing like an idiotic drunk (oxymoron) to make you feel good about yourself. It was a pretty eventful evening for a night at the theater.

If we could see tomorrow

What of your plans?

No one can live in sorrow

Ask all of your friends

Times that you took in stride

They're back in demand

I was the one who's washing

Blood off your hands

Don't you cry tonight

I still love you, Baby

Don't you cry tonight

There's a heaven above you, Baby

And don't you cry tonight

I know the things you wanted

They're not what you have

With all the people talkin'

It's drivin' you mad

If I was standing by you

How would you feel

Knowing your love's decided

And all love is real

I thought I could live in your world

As years all went by

With all the voices I've heard

Something has died

And when you're in need of someone

My heart won't deny you

So many seem so lonely

With no one left to cry to, Baby

And don't you cry tonight

There's a heaven above you, Baby

And dont you cry

Don't you ever cry

Don't you cry tonight

Baby, maybe someday

Don't you cry

Don't you ever cry

Don't you cry

Tonight

23 May 2005:

I went to see my dad over the weekend. We attended a panel on responding to a terrorist attack in the state of Rhode Island, had burgers, and went to see Star Wars. Wednesday, the whole family's going to the Steak Loft in Mystic to celebrate Dad's birthday and to get together before he leaves for Iraq. He'll be giving lessons to the new Iraqi police recruits.

Sunday, I went to the ballet and hung out with the Chester Militia afterwards.

Today, well... I'm glad that weather.com was wrong. Instead of raining all day, it was actually very nice out. So, I ended up getting a lot of work done. I finished up North Quarter Park and got half of Pelletier Park done. Afterwards, we went out to Charley's for dinner and nickel drafts. I also got an email from Sheena, who just finished her double major before I've even finished my one. And she got a degree in Russian, which means she'll get a nice bonus from the Air Force. I guess that I had better bone up on my Arabic and my Pashtu if I hope to compete.

26 May 2005:

Here is Wisdom: Love mankind, trust the majority, and never owe anyone anything!

"Pardon me, Sir. Do you stock such a thing as a Vag Badger?"

"A what?"

"A Vag Badger. It's a small, furry mammal that lives in womens' funbottoms and weaves itself a protective canopy out of muff hair."

"Noooooooooooooo... we just sell shoes."

"Really? No Anal Lemmings running around out back? No Clit Mice scurrying about downstairs? No Crotch Weasels keeping cool in your drawers? No genital-related rodents of any kind?"

"No! WE JUST SELL SHOES!"

Take it from me, there are a billion fine looking women in the world. But not many of them will cook you a warm lunch and bring it to you at work. Most them will just spend your money and cheat on you.

"More confident...

More determined...

More hopeful...

More willing...

More certain...

More thoughtful...

More considerate...

More cheerful...

More caring."

~Her words, not mine.

...and I finally fixed that link! ;-D

30 May 2005:

I saw Ricky Lake at the parade!

yEEsh! Was it just coincidence that we were right outside of Curves? Bryant offered her a cinnamon bun. After she devoured the pastry, she ate Bryant in one grotesque gulp. That's it, Ricky, you're cut off! No more food for you! If you ask me, I'll bet she's just fattening those babies up for the slaughter.

I need to take a trip out to Cambridge, England. Why? So that I can go to Oliver Cromwell's grave, pull down my pants, squat, and take a gigantic dump right on it.

Happy Memorial Day! Have you touched a booby today? I did. But I just couldn't let go. That's when things started to get outta hand (no pun intended).

No, it wasn't Ricky Lake's booby. Ewwwww... *Shudder*

My parade had A-10 Thunderbolt IIs flying overhead! Did yours?

So, I didn't get a chance to thank a veteran, but I did get yelled at by a guy in an Army National Guard Uniform on a motorcycle, even though I had the right of way at the intersection. That's sorta the same thing. Ugggggh... National Guard. As one of my favorite Commandants said (I've only had two my entire life and this way I don't risk offending Capt Sorokin), "The National Guard? You people DABBLE in the art of war!" Ugggggh... Army. Only the Army would wear a nice bright red, white, and blue flag patch on a uniform that is designed to provide camouflage. My A-10 trumps your tank. Game over.

And when they nail my pimpled ass to the cross, I'll tell them I found Jesus. That should throw them off. He goes by the name Jesús and steals hubcaps from cars. "Say, Jesús, may I borrow your crowbar?"