Beaver Thunder!

03 June 2005:

Something that you can say about your new car but ought not to say about your girlfriend: "Wow, there sure is an awful lot of room in here! There's even room for a little lumber!"

One of my fish died today. His name was Jew Dick. Poor little Jew Dick. What can one say about Jew Dick? He was a tiny little fellow. He was kinda funny looking. And maybe if he were just a little bit bigger there wouldn't be so many problems in the Middle East.

"jOhnNY DAmOn!"

*CRASH*!

"OwWwwwWwWW... jOhnNY DAmOn..."

07 June 2005:

Before deciding to participate in really crazy activities, you need to consider the consequences that something might happen to you right in the middle of it that would require intervention by others and you would be found in a rather embarrassing position. Or at least have a plausible story on hand in case people start asking questions. I can hear the cops now: "God, he's got a popsicle in his butt!"

"What does she have on her boobs?!"

"This was no boating accident!"

Globalization can produce some hilarious results (besides watching hippies getting sprayed with tear gas)! Some examples:

In North Korea, Kentucky Fried Chicken's slogan, "Finger-Lickin' Good!" translates to "So Good, You Will Eat Your Own Fingers!"

Parker Pens the Jotter ballpoint pen in Latin America only to discover later that in Spanish "jotter" is slang for "jockstrap".

Additionally in Spanish-speaking markets, Perdue's slogan "It Takes A Tough man to Make A Chicken Tender" somehow became "It Takes A Virile Man to Make A Chicken Aroused."

In Taiwan, "Come Alive With the Pepsi Generation" was translated into "Pepsi Will Bring Your Ancestors Back From the Dead." Which, of course, it didn't.

Finally, McDonald's expansion into the Peoples Republic of China saw the motto of "I'm Loving it!" translated to "My Orgasm Approaches!"

I learned today that pigeons not only keep car washes in business and the elderly company, but they have also been used as military weapons for centuries. Though, I'm sure a well-trained hawk could defeat several pigeons in tactical combat.

Both the Allies and the Axis used pigeons to carry intelligence during WW2. During the 17th century, pigeon poop was used to produce a low-grade gunpowder. However, the gunpowder was far less lethal than the bombs manufactured from eating at Sbarro's.

15 June 2005:

So I'm driving thru Willy behind some ugly-ass PT Cruiser doing about 20 mph under the speed limit with a vanity plate that reads "EARNHT" and numbers '3' & '8' stickers in the rear window (seriously, I could not make this stuff up if I tried), when I look to my right and going down the sidewalk is a guy in a rascal with the word (if it can even be called that) "PIMP'N" on the back of the electrical vehicle and I laughed my balls off. "Dey eben be trickin' out dey wheechais on da Eas Coas!"

TIMES WHEN I WISH THAT I HAD BROUGHT MY CAMERA WITH ME TO WORK PART #4938578:

On my way into the Town Hall, out walks this guy with a huge-ass gut hanging out over his jeans. It's exposed to the entire world because his T-shirt ends about 18 inches too soon. And what is written on the T-shirt? I shit you not: "Hard As A Rock!" And once again, I laughed my balls off.

Have you read about the methods of "torture" our government has been inflicting on the detainees at Guantanamo Bay in Cuba. Oh yeah. I hear that they're poking them in the chest now. Ooooooooh. And sometimes they forcefully shave their beards off. A lot of people are getting upset about the suffocation with the wet towels. I was a little uncertain about that myself until I thought, "Hey, wait a minute! I enjoy a wet towel on my face after a nice shave." That's when I realized, they're not INTEROGATING those people down there! This whole camp is just one big barber shop!

And then, my personal favorite, the interrogators use the invasion of a prisoner's personal space by a female to make them uncomfortable. So some chick sticks her boobs in a detainee's face and those bleeding heart liberals call it torture. Some people in this country pay good money to have that done to them.

A husband and wife are asleep in bed one night when an escaped prisoner breaks into their bedroom. He ties the husband to a chair and ties the wife to the bed. After he finishes tying the wife to the bed he lays on top of her and whispers something in her ear. Then he walks out and goes into the bathroom. The husband whispers to his wife, "Honey, listen. This guy probably hasn't been with a woman in years. But if it helps us to get out of this alive, just have sex with him. Don't worry, I'll still respect you after this is all over."

The wife looks at him and says, "Actually, Honey, he was just telling me how sexy he thinks you are and asked me if we had any Vaseline in the bathroom. But don't worry, I'll still respect you after this is all over."

19 June 2005:

Like Steve said, "Your worst day in the mountains is still better than your best day... um... not in the mountains."

It was cloudy as Hell and rained all the way down. I had an AWESOME time!!! And I still had the energy after the drive home to go to my sister's party, go out to Mohegan, and I didn't get to bed 'til 5:00 AM the next day. Not too bad for just four hours of sleep!

KILLER CUT OFF PENIS

A husband cut off his own penis because of his wife's constant demands for sex, then murdered the insatiable woman by cutting her throat.

The Ghana-born killer threw the severed organ at his wife's feet, then attacked her. He was sent to a state mental hospital by a court in Kassel, Germany.

The man told the court: "She wouldn't leave me alone. She wanted the ebony wand all the time."

~~~>>>Why couldn't he just kill his wife w/o cutting off the magical meat like a normal psychopath?

I am really disappointed to myself. I should normally be about a hundred times more creative than this, but it's Sunday night and I'm watching my allocated two hours of TV time for the week, AKA: "Animation Domination", and it's sucking my creativity into a deep dark hole that nothing escapes from.

Note to Seth MacFarlane: Peter Welles' character, Murphy, was killed in Scene 83 of Robocop, not the opening scene. That would make it rather confusing if the movie just began with some cop being blown away on the floor of an abandoned factory, no?

Have you ever pretended that your computer keyboard is a musical keyboard and played songs to people through AOL IM using 'd' as middle c and have them guess what it is that you're "playing"? Only if you're a Sculldog or a Gummybear! We are sooooooooo freakin' weird, it's scary! ...but in a fun way!

Tomorrow is a full day of lifeguarding, class, and Emily so I gotta get some rest so that I can play my game right! G'nite!

21 June 2005:

Hooray! It's the first day of Summer! OK, so... yeah, I remembered some of the stuff that I wanted to write about the other night.

First thing, as we were leaving Mohegan, a dozen or so hotsauces were also leaving and being generally obnoxious. One of them was a midget and I wished nothing but bad things to come to him cuz he whacked Lisa with his shirt accidentally as he was whipping it around like a tiny, retarded cowboy. When they got out to the parking lot, I got my wish.

What had to be the largest guy in the whole group and the midget decided to do a flying chest bump. Once when I was young I saw a small chipmunk crushed to death under the wheels of a Mack truck. This incident reminded me of that event. The wee little one went down like a small bag of bricks, managed to do a 180* rotation on the way down, and wound up face to face with the pavement with all the force of Earth's gravity behind him.

Sometimes Karma can be pretty freakin' cool!

Second thing, dirty things that Yoda would say in bed:

"Like that you do, don't you?"

"Bend over and show me your dark side!"

"Mmmm... yes, for resting your ankles the ears are! Mmmmm..."

"Like that little green thing, you do?"

"Feel the force!"

"Sleep in the wet spot I won't!"

So, my new lawn is coming in awesomely! I'm beginning to understand why men are so obsessive about the collection of weeds that they cultivate around their homes. It's a pretty proud feeling to watch something be created from nothing and knowing that you had a hand in it! But I can't help but wonder if maybe I should've started out with something slightly smaller to help prepare me for the rigors of primping and maintaining my own grass. Maybe a Chia Beaver or something...

Hey, Michael Jackson is on the news! I guess he won't be having anymore sleepovers anytime soon. I kinda wish that he was found guilty. Not because I bear him any ill will, and not because I necessarily think that he's guilty of pedophilia, but just because I wanted to hear him say, "...and I would've gotten away with it too, if it wasn't for those meddling kids!"

"I am the angry banana! I shall fly into your butt! Prepare all asses for vicious entry!"

"Hey, this shit is bananas! B-A-N-A-N-A-S, bananas!"

25 June 2005:

So I've decided to sponsor a child in Tanzania named Unfafa. And here is the letter that I'm writing him, this is what I've got so far:

Dear Unfafa,

How are the things in your village? Is the drought over yet? I'm just chilling here inside, it's like 90* outside, but I've got the AC on 'cubed' so that I stay nice and cool. My girlfriend is such an asshole, she made me clean the pool. We had this huge party at the house with tons of people and there was so much food that we had to put it all in our second refrigerator down in the basement. And it just sat there and spoiled, we had to throw it all away.

Do you still have to pee outside or do you guys have outhouses yet? How's the insect problem? I heard that it's pretty rough over there so I'm going to send you a can of OFF. When it rains outside does your mom make you guys mudslides?

Write back soon,

Sculldog

How's that? I DO care, dammit!!!